Joke Thread III

[phs1986]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:


"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."





In a Podiatrist's office:


"Time wounds all heels."





On a Septic Tank Truck:


Yesterday's Meals on Wheels





At a Proctologist's door:


"To expedite your visit please back in."





On a Plumber's truck:


"We repair what your husband fixed."








On a Church's Billboard:


"7 days without God makes one weak."





At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :


"Invite us to your next blowout."





At a Towing company:


"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."





On an Electrician's truck:


"Let us remove your shorts."





In a Nonsmoking Area:


"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."








At an Optometrist's Office:


"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."





On a Taxidermist's window:


"We really know our stuff."





On a Fence:


"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"





At a Car Dealership:


"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."





Outside a Muffler Shop:


"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."





In a Veterinarian's waiting room:


"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"








In a Restaurant window:


"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."





In the front yard of a Funeral Home:


"Drive carefully. We'll wait."





At a Propane Filling Station:


"Thank heaven for little grills."





And don't forget the sign at a


Chicago Radiator Shop:


"Best place in town to take a leak."

[BurntTires]

lol...those are good.

[BurntTires]

At a Auto Body Shop:
"We meet by accident"

[Midee1]

Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line.

When it was his turn, the preacher asked, "What do you want me to pray about?"

Bubba said, "Pray for my hearing, preacher."

The preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Bubba, now how is your hearing?"

Bubba answered, "I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!"

[Midee1]

The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years.

In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc.

One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history.

Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"

[Midee1]

Women's Humor


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

[PLAYBOY5]

The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years.

In every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc.

One day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history.

Impressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: "Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?"
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!

[The Guru]

Our Pastor told this one.
One day after a Sunday service, a young 5 year old lad approached the pastor and while shaking his hand, slipped the Preacher a dollar bill.
The Preacher looked at the kid and asked why he gave him money?
The kid said that he felt sorry for the Pastor and wanted to help.
Stunned, the Pastor asked, "why do you feel sorry for me?
The Lad replied...." Daddy said you were the "poorest" example of a Preacher he had ever seen"!

[baseballfan]

And The Fun's Just Beginning

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident--it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man--that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"

"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police."

[baseballfan]

Double Daring

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the redhead's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's going on?" the red head asks. "We're having a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

[Crossbones]

;) APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______
G.P.A.____________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _____________________________________
CITY/STATE ___________
ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____
If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____
8. Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? _____ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

12. Church you attend ___________________________
How often do you attend? ________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?____________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is____
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my____
c) A woman's place is in the____
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is____
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?___________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule 5: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule 7: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Rule 8: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule 9: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
:D

[ronald_reagan]

:thatsfunn :thatsfunn :thatsfunn

[BlackcatAlum]

LMAO... Thats Great!

[*Central_Cheer_Chick]

love it

[BlackcatFootball]

1. NAME - Blackcat Football
DATE OF BIRTH - 6/3/1990
2. HEIGHT - 6 Foot
WEIGHT - She won't be interested, its a surprise.
I.Q - Genious
G.P.A. - 3.6
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # 460-56-3648
DRIVERS LICENSE - I prefer you to drive sir.
4. BOY SCOUT RANK - Master Sargeant
5. HOME ADDRESS - 825 Blackcat Blvd.
CITY/STATE - Prestonsburg, Kentucky
ZIP - 41653
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? - Yes
If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married - 17
8. Do you own a van? No - A truck with oversized tires? No A waterbed? No
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? - No
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
Whatever time you need be in SIR!

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? Don't go below the belt. Anything above their is open for touch and feel.

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? Do not touch my body.

12. Church you attend - Yours
How often do you attend? When you do.
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?On your terms.
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is face.
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my nose.
c) A woman's place is in the bedroom.
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is criminal record.
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is your daughter's beautiful eyes which she got from her mother.
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? Coach

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

Blackcat Football (AKA- Clark Kent)
Signature (That means sign your name)

[BlackcatAlum]

^lmfao!

[Midee1]

I would have to see pictures first.

[Crossbones]

1. NAME - Blackcat Football
DATE OF BIRTH - 6/3/1990
2. HEIGHT - 6 Foot
WEIGHT - She won't be interested, its a surprise.
I.Q - Genious
G.P.A. - 3.6
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # 460-56-3648
DRIVERS LICENSE - I prefer you to drive sir.
4. BOY SCOUT RANK - Master Sargeant
5. HOME ADDRESS - 825 Blackcat Blvd.
CITY/STATE - Prestonsburg, Kentucky
ZIP - 41653
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? - Yes
If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married - 17
8. Do you own a van? No - A truck with oversized tires? No A waterbed? No
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? - No
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
Whatever time you need be in SIR!

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? Don't go below the belt. Anything above their is open for touch and feel.

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? Do not touch my body.

12. Church you attend - Yours
How often do you attend? When you do.
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?On your terms.
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is face.
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my nose.
c) A woman's place is in the bedroom.
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is criminal record.
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is your daughter's beautiful eyes which she got from her mother.
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? Coach

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

Blackcat Football (AKA- Clark Kent)
Signature (That means sign your name)
You was doing pretty good until I got to #10, #14c and d. Now I'm going to have to kill ya.:) :) :)



#5 just about done ya in. But I can look over that though.

[Crossbones]

I would have to see pictures first.
No pictures until you pass the application process.:D :devilflam

[Midee1]

No pictures until you pass the application process.:D :devilflam


I'm a bit to old and I really don't think my wife would approve at all.:)

[Crossbones]

I'm a bit to old and I really don't think my wife would approve at all.:)
It's probably for the best anyway, cause I wouldn't approve either. :D :)

[*Central_Cheer_Chick]

were u being serious about this application or was it just supposed to be funny? casue i think some ppl are taking it seriously

[Midee1]

were u being serious about this application or was it just supposed to be funny? casue i think some ppl are taking it seriously


Every post I see points to the humor in it. If i know Crossbones it was meant to be humorous.

[Crossbones]

:) This is funny.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KfbjYR5GMag&feature=related

[Crossbones]

Yes it was meant to be funny. I hope I didn't offend anyone. That was not my intent. Just all fun and games.

[BlackcatFootball]

Mine was pretty funny IMO.

[*Central_Cheer_Chick]

Okay...I didn't know. I thought it was funny!! But then again I got worried for a second that you actually might be serious about finding someone for a daughter.. you have to excuse my brain farts

[torQQue]

Thats funny right there, I don't care who you are :) :) Good stuff Crossbones!!

[Crossbones]

Okay...I didn't know. I thought it was funny!! But then again I got worried for a second that you actually might be serious about finding someone for a daughter.. you have to excuse my brain farts
No problems, They (my daughters) are only 12 and 6. :) There will be no dating at my house for a LONG time, unless it's me and my wife.;)

[Crossbones]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.'

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the shots and beers went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... she didn't seem ****ed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!

:)

[Midee1]

No problems, They (my daughters) are only 12 and 6. :) There will be no dating at my house for a LONG time, unless it's me and my wife.;)

I have a twelve year old son. I bet he could pass that application.:)

[Crossbones]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful Tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.


She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman
shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Crossbones]

I have a twelve year old son. I bet he could pass that application.:)
Your killing me.

[Midee1]

I have heard that one but with a little different punchline.:o

[Midee1]

Your killing me.


:p

[Redneck]

Two rednecks go huntin. Let's say their names are Earl and Billy Bob.

While they are sittin in their tree stand Earl looks at Billy Bob and says, "Hey Billy Bob, if I do your wife and she gets pregnant, would that make us related?" Billy Bob laughs and says, "Nope, just even."

[Crossbones]

Do it.
Didn't know I had to put them in a certain spot. Sorry. Will not post any more. I didn't know there was a rule too it.

[Midee1]

Didn't know I had to put them in a certain spot. Sorry. Will not post any more. I didn't know there was a rule too it.


No rule. I do occasionally merge them all together to make them easier to find.

[ComfortEagle]

0wP9D6tYRAU

Aww come on, I was quoting Ben Stiller.

[baseballfan]

Seeing Eye Dogs

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A man at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The man at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

[Midee1]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."





"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"





"Because you got an F in Sex!

[phs1986]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to
watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son: "Boy.............go gitcha Momma.............."

[phs1986]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The
woman shakes her head no.

'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick
Manuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it. '

[phs1986]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse,
Evelyn , took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.


After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:


a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the

K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,

but can you tell me what the BEER is for ?





At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......


Darn it Evelyn

!!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "

[baseballfan]

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? It's Butt

[baseballfan]

He Got The Bird, Or The Bird Got Him!

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.

The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.

When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new ******."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new ******; same old faces. Hi George!"

[baseballfan]

MERRY CHRISTMAS! A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[vundy33]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[Wuzza Bear]

Two rednecks go huntin. Let's say their names are Earl and Billy Bob.

While they are sittin in their tree stand Earl looks at Billy Bob and says, "Hey Billy Bob, if I do your wife and she gets pregnant, would that make us related?" Billy Bob laughs and says, "Nope, just even."


haha, I love this one.

[vundy33]

0wP9D6tYRAU

Aww come on, I was quoting Ben Stiller.

I like the voice in the background that sounds like a serial killer...he hahah he he haaa. LOL

[Midee1]

A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.

"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."

Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.

"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"

The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.

Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"

[EKY Sportster]

Nice application Crossbones!!! You might really want to hang onto that until your daughter's get older! lol

[Crossbones]

A trip to the zoo!!
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand
and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and
the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and
he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache ."

[Midee1]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

He agrees.

They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."

[Midee1]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

























So they went home.:D

[Midee1]

A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.

She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.

Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[Midee1]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." She then told her husband what the druggist said to her.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[EOE]

Why do blondes have one more brain cell than horses? So they wont crap in the parade.

[phs1986]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the **** is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."

[baseballfan]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[bluegrassballa]

0wP9D6tYRAU

Aww come on, I was quoting Ben Stiller.

Haha, I like that part.

[bluegrassballa]

Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line.

When it was his turn, the preacher asked, "What do you want me to pray about?"

Bubba said, "Pray for my hearing, preacher."

The preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Bubba, now how is your hearing?"

Bubba answered, "I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!"

I really like this joke.