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02-09-2009, 03:18 PM
Monkey Finance
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man hasalready collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man hasalready collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!
02-09-2009, 03:37 PM
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins .
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE *** THAN YOURS!
02-09-2009, 03:52 PM
Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
02-09-2009, 04:02 PM
The Theory of Intelligence
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
02-09-2009, 04:11 PM
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
02-09-2009, 04:15 PM
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
02-09-2009, 04:22 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
02-09-2009, 05:15 PM
Sunday Morning at Church The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.
02-09-2009, 06:57 PM
This is one for MMA followers[Image: http://www.stevekwan.com/graphics/postin...-jitsu.jpg]
02-10-2009, 01:09 PM
Bill & Davie were walking in the city. Bill looks to Davie and says, I got to poop but I dont have any paper. Davie asks, do you have a dollar. Yeah says Bill. Well use that. Bill goes down and old alley and is there for about 20 mins. Bill comes back and has poop all over his fingers, arms, & pants. Davie looks in shock and says, what happened? I told you to use a dollar. Bill looks at Davie and says, I didn't have no bills so I used 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickle.
02-10-2009, 03:04 PM
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the
loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of
$23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was... BUBBA...
loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of
$23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car
for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was... BUBBA...
02-10-2009, 03:23 PM
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS. . .
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.
Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda , yadda , yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have âThe Internetâ. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our tails! No where was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undoneâ¦'cause that's how we rolled dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like âCall Waitingâ! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.
Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda , yadda , yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have âThe Internetâ. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our tails! No where was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undoneâ¦'cause that's how we rolled dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like âCall Waitingâ! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
02-10-2009, 03:32 PM
The cat found the smarter way to avoid a staircase railing...the kid did not...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW6MendLx...unker.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gW6MendLx...unker.html
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment. (look at picture first before reading on)
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After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
[attachment=o1403]
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After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
02-10-2009, 04:09 PM
Some of these are pretty good.
Here's mine:
A gynecologist was checking out a female patient and noticed a large M tattoed above her genitals. The doctor said, "I'm sorry but I have to ask, what does the 'M' stand for?"
The woman replied, "My boyfriend is a football letterman at Michigan and he always wants to wear his school letter. So I got the M tattooed so that he can still be wearing his letter even when we are having sex."
The doctor thought it was a little odd, but to each their own.
A few days later another patient came in to the doctor's office. This woman had a large M tattooed in the same area. The doctor remembered the previous patient and said, "Aha, I bet I know why you have that M tattooed there."
The patient said, "Really?"
The doctor said, "Yes, I bet you have a boyfriend that goes to Michigan!"
The girl bushed and said, "No, I have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin."
Here's mine:
A gynecologist was checking out a female patient and noticed a large M tattoed above her genitals. The doctor said, "I'm sorry but I have to ask, what does the 'M' stand for?"
The woman replied, "My boyfriend is a football letterman at Michigan and he always wants to wear his school letter. So I got the M tattooed so that he can still be wearing his letter even when we are having sex."
The doctor thought it was a little odd, but to each their own.
A few days later another patient came in to the doctor's office. This woman had a large M tattooed in the same area. The doctor remembered the previous patient and said, "Aha, I bet I know why you have that M tattooed there."
The patient said, "Really?"
The doctor said, "Yes, I bet you have a boyfriend that goes to Michigan!"
The girl bushed and said, "No, I have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin."
02-10-2009, 07:08 PM
Magicjefferson25 Wrote:This is one for MMA followers[Image: http://www.stevekwan.com/graphics/postin...-jitsu.jpg]
HAHAHAHA!!!!! THAT"S FUNNY!!
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