[OffTheHook]

LMAO!!!!

Only a man...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat
to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, and I'd know it was
working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is
on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?! There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try
this thing out on a flesh-and-blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a
tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and #**! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF
MASS DESTRUCTION! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How
did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return.

[BC75]

hahaha. Some people.

[thetribe]

Jesus!