[vundy33]

My friend, that is the HARDEST thing to explain or to give an answer that works for people. I am only 24 years old. I have only been a Senior Pastor for 1.5 years, (I have been on staff, Children's Pastor, youth leaders, Sunday school teacher, etc... for many more years). It is VERY difficult to come into someone's home after their family member passes away and give words of wisdom. In those moments, there isn't really anything good to say other than "I'm sorry for your loss, I love you, I am here for you and if you want, I will pray with you." I always try to get the family members to tell me what happened, so they can come to terms with it a little more, even though it is hard.

I do not start quoting scriptures, I do not say it was God's will, I do not even say that things will get better. In all honesty, nobody really wants to hear those things right then. In later talks, when I come back to the home days or weeks later, we can have those conversations if they wish, but not right then. All anyone really wants is someone that cares, loves and will share in their hurt.

I have a friend that is a minister and we were having conversations about how to handle these situations and he told me something that I always carry with me. He said that he and his wife had just found out that they would never be able to have children. There were church members that worked at the doctors office/hospital/clinic they were at and they, naturally, called other church members to tell them about it. I am sure their intentions were good, you know, "keep them in your prayers", "show the pastor and family love" "be sensitive about it" etc...
They received many calls, visits, etc... and heard a lot of people say, "It was God's will" "You can always adopt" "Maybe it wasn't meant to be" "You can babysit my children anytime you want, if it will help you being around kids" and stuff like that. He had a non-believer friend that heard the news and drove many many miles to come see them. He walked in, gave them both a huge hug, cried with them, told them he was sorry that they heard the news told them, I quote, "That really suc*s".
My preacher-friend told me that after all of that happened, he immediately implemented a program teaching people how to care for people experiencing loss, hurt, shame, etc... he told them that the non-believer is the style that should be used. He thanked people for their love, prayers and being there, but he explained that sometimes less is more. The less words we use, the better we are sometimes.

Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words."
--St. Francis of Assisi

I don't mind it at all when people give their condolences when a family member or friend dies, don't mind it a bit. Even if it's what I don't want to hear, I'm courteous and always thank them...I know there's not much someone can say to it.

Only thing that gets me is when someone tells me they'll pray for me, because I haven't "found God" or whatever. Most of the time, they couldn't be more wrong.