[Old School]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

[Stardust]

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

lol :lmao:

[Stardust]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad..'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better.. She deserves it..

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[bigjim4packers]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad..'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better.. She deserves it..

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

:lmao:

[eagle dad 2014]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad..'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better.. She deserves it..

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true.. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

:thatsfunn

[Hilbily]

A piece of string walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says ill take a pint! The bartender says we dont serve strings in here. Upset the string leaves the bar and goes into an alley. He ties his self into a knot. Then he rolls around in the dust and scruffs up against the wall. He repeats until he is scruffy and frayed! Gathering his confidence he goes back to the bar. He walks up to the bartender and says ill take a pint. The bartender replies aren't you the same string that just came in here. The string replies im a frayed knot.

[Old School]

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[Old School]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

[Midee1]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Old School]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

Midee...I think that is the best one yet, :1: but for some reason Mrs. Old School didn't care much for it. :biggrin:

After nearly 30 years of marriage I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

[Old School]

This is a detective story so Pay Close Attention!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels Into the ball park. The game is real exciting.

And they are enjoying themselves immensely…mixing the Jack Daniels with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?







Answer:

It’s the bottom of the Fifth, and the Bags are loaded!

[Wildcatk23]

Boy: Can i touch your hair?
Girl: No, my daddy said you cant touch my hair.
boy: can i touch your bellybutton then?
girl: sure, my daddy never said anything about my bellybutton.
boy: okay.
----few seconds later----
Girl: that's not my bellybutton.
Boy: thats not my finger.

[Wildcatk23]

Girls fall in love
with what they hear.
Boys fall in love
with what they see.
That's why girls
wear make up
and boys lie

[Wildcatk23]

When I die, friends will go to my funeral, good friends will cry at my funeral, but my best friend will change my facebook status to "Chilin' with Jesus"

[Wildcatk23]

I waited for ten years, eleven months, thirty days, 12 hours and 26 minutes. then i finally had to admit i wasn't getting an acceptance letter from Hogwarts.

[Wildcatk23]

Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I Googled "Ninja School" to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School.

[Wildcatk23]

Before Marriage-
Boy: I have been waiting for this day.
Girl: Do u want me to leave??
Boy: NO!!!!
Girl: Do u love me?
Boy: Of Course
Girl: Will u ever cheat on me??
Boy: Never in my life
Girl: Will u ever kiss me?
Boy: Every chance i get
Girl: Will u hit me??
Boy: Are u crazzy..!
Girl: Can i trust u??
Boy: Yes..!!
Girl: Sweet Heart..!
-After Marriage-
(now read from bottom to top)

[Wildcatk23]

*boy walks into classroom*
Teacher: "why are your eyes so red?"
Boy: "I have allergies"
Teacher: "What are you allegic to?"
Boy: "hehe....weeeeeed"