[Old School]

I thought these were funny, feel free to add more, enjoy.

Missing Tail Light
“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

Swimming with Sharks
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, “Professional courtesy.”

Rick's Anniversary
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Church Lady
Having just returned from an evening church service, the elderly woman was startled by an intruder in the act of robbing her home. "STOP! Acts 2:38," she yelled. (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

[LWC]

I may find a way to work the church one into a sermon, lol.

[El Indio]

A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren't will love it, too.
(Especially Coaches!) :1:

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball
players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a
team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a
team?'
The little boy nodded yes. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know,
when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or
call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the
game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to
call your coach 'a dumb ***' is it?' Again, the little boy nodded. 'Good,'
said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother.' :HitWall:
:ChairHit:

[Stardust]

^ LOL, too funny

[cougarpride08]

Classic!

[LWC]

That was pretty funny too.

[Wise Cracker]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.



I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[LWC]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.



I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Wildcatk23]

lol

[Deathstar 80]

There was a millionaire, rocket scientist, boy scout, and an old preacher on a small plane that had three parachutes. The plane had an engine failure and was quickly heading toward the ground.

The millionaire said, "I'm too rich to die!" He then took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the plane.

The rocket scientist said, "I'm too smart to die!" He then took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The old preacher looked at the boy scout and said, "Well... I've lived a long, full life. And you have your whole life ahead of you. You go ahead and take the last parachute."

The boy scout smiled and replied, "We can both use a parachute," as he clearly shown the preacher two parachutes.

The preacher was amazed. "It's a miracle! Where did you get the other parachute!?!"

The boy scout just smiled and said, "The rocket scientist didn't take a parachute. He took my backpack."


I know it's not as funny as the other stories, but I thought of posting it anyway.

[Old School]

Funny stuff guys. :Thumbs: